I shall start this by saying this is my opinion. That should be obvious, but I still feel the need to state it because it’s about to get scatterbrained. I need to rant, lads.
So I missed last week because I didn’t feel I had anything noteworthy to say, but oh boy my dad never should have shown me Fantastic Beasts: The Crimes of Grindelwald. I gave it a chance if only because I really love the character Newt Scamander and highly relate to his love of creatures. I also love the characters Tina, Queenie, and Jacob from the first movie. What I didn’t care for was the need to include Grindelwald, whose only importance is owning the fucking Elder Wand for a time and being the Voldemort before Voldemort existed. Get that shit out of my magic Steve Irwin time.
I was apprehensive of watching the movie, but with quarantine, boredom, and attempts at proving that I’m not just a hateful critic (massive fail on my part here) with a degree, I gave it a chance. I loved the parts with the creatures. I loved the special effects. I loved Newt. There were parts I loved about this movie, but the rest I could just cut the fuck right out. I will be vulgar, I’m dropping professional and just being angry right now because that’s what this piece of shit deserves, not an analysis.
My good friend Sarah over at Mad Zombie Productions on Facebook told me ages ago that JK Rowling is a one-trick pony. I believed her. I really did. She couldn’t seem to leave well enough alone when we were already in love with her series (need I even say its name?). Harry Potter wasn’t perfect, but he shaped a generation and had kids my age awaiting their letters to Hogwarts, so I’m willing to forgive the vast majority of its rather grievous mistakes. But between this sure to be series and the wretched play and the bullshit website Pottermore, I’ve had it up to here with Rowling’s ability to ruin even the best of times. As my love loves to say, she’s a one-woman argument for the death of the author.
I can talk about how much of a shit person but a decent character Dumbledore is till I’m blue in the face. Same with Snape. Both of them, upon analyzing their treatment of literal children, are cringeworthy, but I’d be lying if I said their deaths meant nothing to me. I loved them, flaws and all, and that’s something I need to make clear here. Newt is a well-fleshed out character. He has quirks, he has desires, he has a fucking life that I can see and feel in Eddie’s performance. Johnny Depp, all controversy aside, is a FANTASTIC actor too, but Grindelwald just ain’t it for him. Grindelwald just doesn’t belong in the same story as Newt. What is it with Dumbledore handpicking people to fight his battles for him? What is it with the alleged greatest wizard of all time needing people half or even a fifth of his age to continue his legacy when he’s perfectly fucking capable?! Dumbledore, get your shit together, I’m begging you. At this point, what even MAKES you the greatest wizard of all time?
We can talk prophecies and such, but if this pair of movies has proven anything it’s that established lore doesn’t matter when Rowling needs money. Hell, Pottermore told me that established lore meant nothing to her. In the first Fantastic Beasts Tina’s wand locked magically with another wand. That’s only supposed to happen between wands made from the same materials, i.e. Harry’s and Voldemort’s. This is supposed to be something unique to them. Clearly, it’s no longer relevant. Being able to cast magic without saying the word is supposed to be rare. Guess what, not anymore. All of this I could ignore. I can’t ignore the existence of SPOILER Aurelius Dumbledore.
REALLY? A SECRET BROTHER? WE’RE DOING THIS AGAIN?
I have SCARS! SCARS! from the Layton franchise pulling this shit, and here the fuck Rowling is, pulling this SHIT. It is such a weak, baseless, unnecessary money grab and attention grab. I cannot forgive such slacker writing, such awful writing. I could have overlooked literally everything, the pointless inclusion of the Lestrange drama, the shitty arc of Newt and Tina ‘breaking up’, the blatant racism Rowling feels in casting only Asian characters when their goals are to be used in the end, oh the complete bullshittery that is making Nagini into a person, ALL OF IT! I could have overlooked all of it had we not gotten fucking Aurelius fucking Dumbledore.
That . . . is a lie. I will not overlook one other thing. Y’all did Queenie dirty. Y’all did that beautiful angel dirty by having her, a woman whose absolute love of her life is a No-Maj, side with Wizard Hitler 1.0. Really? In these trying times?
In conclusion, JK Rowling is a retconning, greedy, fucking TERF. She can eat my ass.